Hello. This is a short instruction manual on how to order just a plain coffee from a coffee shop. If you feel bewildered by the unusual, impenetrable words on the menu board at Starbucks, Caffè Nero, Costa, Peet’s, or any other shop that sells coffee, read on.

It’s really very simple:

1. Ask for a (small/medium/large)¹ filter coffee (to go/to eat in). If you want room to add milk, ask for that too.
2. Pay.
3. Add milk and sugar if you want it, then drink and/or leave the bloody shop.

That was easy, wasn’t it?

Appendix: What all those words mean

(Of course, if you just want a plain coffee, follow the instructions above.)

Espresso (NOT expresso)

A very strong coffee made by forcing water at high pressure through ground coffee beans. Served in small shots. WARNING: very strong. You can ask for it to be served with whipped cream, called espresso con panna, to soften the flavour.

Americano

Espresso and hot water. Essentially a black coffee, but weaker than pure espresso. Ask for room for milk if you want it.

Latte (la-tay)

Espresso with milk (usually steamed.)

Cappuccino

Espresso with steamed milk & foam.

Mocha (mocker)

Latte with chocolate. Often served with whipped cream on request.

Flat white

A double shot of espresso layered with micro-foamed milk. Served in one small size, usually around 180ml. (Thanks to Freda for the correction)

Macchiato

Either espresso “stained” with a small amount of milk (espresso macchiato) OR milk “stained” with a small amount of espresso (latte macchiato). Enquire at the shop for clarification if you are confused.

Footnote

* ↑ Yes, small/medium/large. The coffee shop will not decline your custom because you don’t refer to your order as a venti double shot wet caramel soy latte, FFS.