The new series of Doctor Who has commenced with a cracking two-parter, shocking, frightening and astonishing in almost every single way. The most astonishing revelation, however, is not the work of head honcho, the indefinitely likeable Steven Moffat. Nor is it the result of Matt Smith’s superb performance as Doctor, or Alex Kingston’s exception-forcing River Song.

It’s the programme immediately preceding Who, the bizarre and somewhat ominous hop-’em-up game show Don’t Scare the Hare.

The BBC web site is here, but here’s a brief explanation for those of you who don’t wish put yourself through the horror: it’s basically a cross between It’s a Knockout and 3-2-1 with Dusty Bin, starring Jason Bradbury, the hipster potato off The Gadget Show, along with a four-foot robotic hare, which, ostensibly, the teams must avoid “scaring” whilst completing a number of awful slapstick rabbit-themed challenges in order to win £15,000.

It’s astonishingly bad. Like something that would be played to placate the population in the event of a nuclear holocaust. The challenges are reminiscent of the carousel scene from Logan’s Run, Bradbury has as much charisma as a turd in a public convenience, the production design is like something out of Keith Chegwin’s ill-fated and ultimately doomed Naked Jungle, and the whole thing just feels… well. Sinister.

It was only earlier this evening that I cracked why.

The Hare

A Dalek

It is revealed, then.

Don’t Scare the Hare is actually a giant Doctor Who alternate reality game. The final episode, then, will end with the Hare deploying a sink plunger, indicator lights and an egg whisk, shouting, “EXTERMINATE!” and shooting Bradbury in the chest.

I challenge Steven Moffat to deny that this is possible.